In addition to his full schedule of dogly duties, local canine companion Mr. Beefington has reportedly not been posing charismatically enough for his owner to nab a decent date off Tinder.
“I love Mr. Beefington to death, but would it kill him to look into the camera with an endearing head tilt just once?” said Capitol Hill resident Doug Burton, swiping aimlessly through the dating app. “I haven’t left my house to do anything interesting in a year, the only move I have left to woo the ladies with is to parade my ‘lovable’ pup around like a Mardis Gras float, and he’s just sitting there loudly grooming himself in the background of all my Zoom dates. Place your head on my lap during the call, do that cute thing where dogs yawn really loud, anything, I’m begging you!”
While Doug lamented his furry wingman’s lack of mojo, Mr. Beefington took issue with his owner’s unflattering portrayal of his social prowess.
“Oh sure, Doug, the only thing standing between you and your soulmate is me refusing to wear matching sunglasses for a photo,” said Mr. Beefington, watching Doug flex for a mirror selfie. “That photo of you hauling a nine-inch trout out of Lake Chelan has really got the ladies swooning. I hear Kim Kardashian is recently single, I’m sure after 15,000 photos of men posing at Mailbox Peak yours is going to be the one that’s going to stop her dead in her tracks. And speaking of loudly grooming, don’t get me started on his bathroom routine.”
Needling reporters followed up with Mr. Beefington, who complained that Doug was not doing enough cute human stuff to help him stand out on popular dog mating app, Sniffr.
