While residents across the Pacific Northwest were captivated by a shower of fiery debris streaking across the Thursday night sky, Boeing’s CEO was reportedly surprised and relieved to learn that it wasn’t yet another flaming shower of malfunctioning 737 engine parts falling from the sky.
“I mean, let’s face it – it was everyone’s first thought,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun. “I was about to prepare my $62 million golden parachute and get out of here until my assistant stopped me and said it actually wasn’t another one of our non-union-built planes violently igniting like a cheap fireworks factory. I’m just grateful that the debris fell in the ocean and none of our stockholders were hurt.”
Although the heavenly firescape was reportedly due to a SpaceX rocket’s failed deorbiting as it burned up in the atmosphere, locals livestreaming the event on the ground were on-hand to share theories on what kind of Boeing plane was shedding flaming engine parts this time.
“Bro look at those crazy fireballs, that is most definitely a 747 experiencing a violent failure on the front rim of the engine pod,” said Beacon Hill resident Jack Morris. “My friend was like, bro, that’s definitely a 777-200, and I was like, this stupid-ass forgot the FAA suspended operations of the 69 in-service 777s powered by Pratt & Whitney 4000-112 engines until they were able to identify appropriate inspection protocols. Dude is so dumb he has to follow the words with his index finger when he reads the FAA Accident & Incident Data reports, I swear.”
Needling reporters were able to confirm that while the bulk of the debris landed in the ocean, several pieces were still hovering above Tacoma after getting stuck in I-5 construction traffic.
