With Seattle’s renter eviction moratorium set to expire on Feb. 14, the Mayor’s Office announced today that they plan to soften the blow of widespread Valentine’s Day eviction notices by delivering them via candy gram.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, get the fuck out, cause rent is due – see we’re all about compassion here in Seattle,” said Mayor Bruce Harrell, reading one of the city’s Valentine’s Day evicto-grams aloud. “Notice the personal touch the red glitter used to spell out ‘fuck’ gives. They come with endearing candy hearts too—let’s see, we have ‘I <3 Rent’, ‘Thank U, Next,’‘Get Out.’ It’s just the sugar rush renters need to pack up their shit so they can sleep on it in their car.”
Harrell said he’s confident that the sweet gesture will be a hit with desperate residents left suddenly looking for love and a place to live, especially those with children in tow.
“Don’t worry, we didn’t forget about the kids,” Harrell said. “We’ve got fun Star Wars-themed cards that read ‘Overdue, Your Rent Is. Pay or Get Out — There Is No Try.’ Cute, right? Now there are some that might say it’s unconscionably cruel to evict families on a beloved holiday in the dead of Winter, and that’s why I put my foot down and insisted that not one person was to be evicted until after Super Bowl Sunday.”
In addition to candy gram eviction notices, the Mayor’s Office said that they also plan to help with other resources including and absolutely limited to trails of rose petals leading to the steps of local overcrowded homeless shelters.
