A year’s worth of out-of-control, untended-to tulips descended upon La Conner, home of last year’s cancelled Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, engulfing the bulbous town on the first day of spring in a terrifying tsunami of technicolor flower petals.
“It’s a damn Georgia O’Keefe painting out there,” said an out-of-breath Beth Breckinhouse, organizer for the beloved annual tulip festival. “I’d like to take a moment to thank Oregon Gov. Kate Brown for sending over a platoon of gardeners from the Portland Rose Festival to help our local crews battle these raging wildflowers.”
While local and state officials scrambled to take control of the situation, gardeners on the ground were met with the grim consequences of the kaleidoscopic spring flowers run amok.
“We tried to pull some poor bastard out of a gorgeous thicket of red bulbs, but it was too late – he’d already been forced by pistil-point to start individual Instagram accounts for each tulip color,” said local florist Paul Nguyen, sharpening his garden shears. “If we don’t get this under control, I fear people like him will be stumbling around here like literal tulip-tripping zombies forever.”
Experts have raised similar concerns for other cancelled festivals, stating that the state’s cooped-up marathon runners could soon flood city streets en masse, threatening to bring the city’s roads to a standstill and exhaust local electrolyte and nipple cream reserves.
