As vaccine rollouts continue at a remarkable pace, reports indicate frightened introverts across the nation have begun the long, difficult process of creating new lies and fabrications to avoid their friends and loved ones for even longer.
“God, I used to be such a smooth liar, but the pre-pandemic, go-to excuses for flaking just don’t fly anymore,” said local introvert Shelby Evans. “Now every time you say you’re stuck in downtown traffic, need to pick up a boyfriend from the airport or your grandma died, people seem genuinely curious and empathetic enough about each situation to have a full conversation with follow-ups and everything – the exact thing I’m trying to avoid. I can’t shake ‘em!”
Studies show that with a year out of practice, the nation’s introverts are incredibly rusty and struggling to invent new believable excuses to flake, especially after such a prolonged time with little human contact.
“Yesterday I tried to decline a picnic invitation by telling my vaccinated coworkers that I’m a long-hauler. Instead they offered to come over to my house today and do all these errands for me – completely backfired,” said local homebody Jackson Rivard. “Then I tried to get them to leave by telling them my dragon pup was waking up and they all just laughed and asked how they could help again next week. Almost everything else that happened in the last year was unbelievable, but fine – I guess saying you’re raising a fire-breathing dragon now is a drawbridge too far.”
Next week Rivard said he’s hoping for better luck when he tells his friends they can’t come over due to an incoming visit from an extremely arrogant, star-bellied Sneetch in-law.
