The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man zipping around South Lake Union on a Onewheel and then rapidly reascending.
“I’ve seen a lot of shit in my days, but never anything as stupid as whatever the fuck that was,” said Christ. “Dude was just floating above the sidewalk on a single wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons without even a hint of embarrassment. Last time I was here, humans at least faked dignity, but the human race is clearly a lost cause at this point.”
Jesus said the young man responsible for leaving mankind permanently without salvation was reportedly wearing an unwashed hoodie and a retractable badge.
“The universe is big, man, and I’ve got a lot of spinning plates out there, so dropping humans like that off my to-do list actually helps me out a lot,” Christ said. “I just don’t have time for jerk-offs in my line of work, and to be honest, that guy on the Onewheel embodies my version of a living hell. I wish you guys the best with Lucifer or whoever, but I’m out.”
Moments after reascension, the bewildered soul of a former Segway, Inc. owner mysteriously tumbled out of heaven back on Earth with his segway without explanation.
