As the coronavirus pandemic has forced the nation into sedentary lifestyles and rustic hobbies, one 25-year-old was horrified to learn today that he’s aged nearly two decades during quarantine.
“I just had my physical and my doctor said I’ve got sciatica and the hips of a grizzled bricklayer—but that can’t be, I’m still in my prime!” said 25-year-old Josh Dunbar, fluffing up his lumbar pillow. “I still get a jog in during my commute from my bedroom to my desk, and just last night I got wasted off two imperial stouts I homebrewed and fell asleep on the couch while watching the new Tiger Woods documentary. Does that sound like a 40-year-old to you? I don’t think so. Anyways, I gotta fire up the Traeger, doc says I gotta watch my cholesterol so I’m smoking my own turkey jerky.”
While the nation’s youth have rapidly aged into their middle demographics, the nation’s forty-somethings have experienced a similarly rapid ascension into their golden years.
“Oh yes, I can still remember the ‘before times’, all the way back in 2019 BC – that’s Before COVID to you youngsters,” said Kurt Benson, 42, slipping on some sensible shoes to go feed the ducks at a local pond. “Back in the beginning of the pandemic we used to have to ration toilet paper, and we had a saying that went ‘wipe with two squares and you’ll always have TP to spare!’ Oh, we’d sit around the Netflix fireplace and knit for hours, or feed our sourdough starters for fun. I named mine Stanley. Did I tell you we used to ration toilet paper?”
Scientists warn that if these trends continue, the nation’s toddlers may prematurely enter their teenage years and unleash an unstoppable tsunami of Paw Patrol-inspired TikTok memes.
