A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the Capitol to secure the building with much-needed munitions.
“Heroes like Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman saved the day last week by turning themselves into human bull-fighting flags, but we all know that’s not how it should have been,” said Lieutenant Carrie Hall as she helped unload the truck. “Every officer should have been properly prepped and armed that day with enough Twisted Tea to personally bitch-slap every single racist insurrectionist breaking into the building by hand.”
Lt. Hall said the force will never make that mistake again, especially not in the week leading up to President-Elect Joe Biden’s inauguration.
“Our elite police force is not only stocked up on the best way to can a racist – they’re practicing their technique so they’re ready to roll,” Lt. Hall said. “So if you see senators Ted Cruz or Josh Hawley coming out of here with a bloody nose, don’t worry – it’s just a little target practice.”
More Twisted Tea is expected tomorrow to restock supplies hundreds of bored National Guardsman stationed at the Capitol are expected to shotgun overnight.
