A local neighborhood is in shock today after reports that, a mere two days into December, a group of truly sick bastards have already severed a tree from its earthly tether and strung it up in their living room, joyfully witnessing the beginning of its slow, month-long decay.
“I know it’s a little early, but we just couldn’t wait to mount this once animate tree in our living room and watch it wither away day by day until all that remains by Christmas is a brittle, lifeless husk,” said Roger Burns, Queen Anne resident and early Christmas enthusiast. “We usually wait another week, but it’s been a tough year and the kids were just begging for me to erect a grim totem mocking Mother Nature’s infinite splendor next to the television. This weekend we’ll decorate its desiccated corpse with little trinkets and baubles so we can fully enjoy this monument to the unceasing march of time and atrophy, the only enduring universal truth. The kids will be thrilled.”
Neighbors were reportedly alarmed by the punctual holiday decor, remarking at the unusual cruelty of putting up a tree so early in December.
“Look at them, just sitting there drinking hot cocoa, watching with glee as the life drains from this once majestic pine,” said neighbor Marc Portis, peering into their living room window from across the street. “It was bad enough when they put their Jack-O-Lanterns out in late September, forcing the neighborhood to watch them slowly rot and melt into the sidewalk for the month of October. But now they’ve put a festive holiday mausoleum in their home when there are still Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge? These people make me sick.”
At press time, several neighbors reported they fully expect the group to carry out their annual post-Christmas ritual of lighting on fire their carefully selected murdered evergreen at Golden Gardens while smiling like the girl at the end of Midsommar.
