Liberal families across the country rejoiced today as CDC scientists confirmed that inviting friends and family over for Thanksgiving during a pandemic is totally safe as long as everyone there voted Joe Biden for president.
“Our findings show that only people who voted for Donald Trump in the last presidential election can transmit, get sick and/or die from COVID-19,” said CDC scientist Rod Padgett. “Multiple data sets show that a vote for this year’s Democratic presidential candidate basically inoculates people to the extent that wearing masks, socially distancing and not having outside guests in your home is hardly even necessary. So go ahead and have the same maskless indoor feast you did last year while making fun of Republicans because it turns out that’s not a wildly irresponsible or hypocritical thing to do at all.”
It’s good news for the 22% of Democrats who told a New York Times poll that they would still be having Thanksgiving gatherings or traveling to one with people from outside their household this year.
“I’m so glad science has confirmed what I’d already felt in my bones when Biden was elected: Every big problem that came up in 2020 has now evaporated and I don’t really need to worry about it anymore,” said Anne Patricks, who was going to have six friends from six pods come over for dinner anyway. “Despite coronavirus cases and deaths spiking across the nation including every liberal area, I think our work here on the pandemic is done. Pretty sure Kamala Harris as VP means work on racism and sexism is at least close to done too. So much to be thankful for this year!”
At press time, Democrats California Governor Gavin Newsom and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced they would be celebrating the news by hosting twice as many lavish dinner parties in December as they already have in November.
