Reportedly fed up with the capitalist greed plaguing America every holiday season, one woke Capitol Hill man spent the day preparing for his boycott of Black Friday by rushing to make his Amazon purchases ahead of time.
“The way Amazon treats their warehouse employees every Black Friday is just appalling, so I decided the only ethical thing to do was to just make them do the same work three days earlier,” said ethical non-shopper Peter Carlson. “Now that I’ve got nine individual packages being delivered to my home over the next two days, I can rest easy knowing I’ve done my part to show my utter contempt for the corporate greed of Jeff Bezos and the billionaire class by abstaining from this immoral capitalist orgy for 24 whole hours. Sure it’ll be tough to resist the ‘Add to Cart’ button as the deals cascade into my inbox, but at least it’ll free me up to lecture the spineless Black Friday shoppers on social media for not doing #SmallBusinessSaturday instead.”
Cheers were heard erupting from the Amazon Fulfillment Center in Kent as word of Carlson’s altruistic sacrifice reached the distribution floor.
“It’s this kind of selfless dedication to the working man that gives me hope for humanity,” said seasonal warehouse associate Ken Darby, frantically snatching and sorting a variety of home goods from a nearby shelf. “Just knowing that I’ll be packing and shipping a Santa Claus onesie, titanium toenail clippers, a novelty Baby Yoda mug, a bedframe, and a single box of Captain Crunch today rather than Friday is really going to help get me through my underpaid 18-hour day. I only hope that Carlson’s inspiring Instagram post goes viral while I’m discreetly peeing in a bottle instead of taking a break.”
Following the groundswell of support for his valiant stand against Black Friday, Carlson has reportedly decided to extend his boycott to Cyber Monday, unless a Playstation 5 becomes available.
