Underfunded, undermanned and facing the threat of another dire wildfire season in the midst of a global pandemic, a desperate U.S. National Park Service has officially authorized its beloved Smokey Bear mascot to maul any campers he finds not adhering to strict NPS guidelines.
“With a wildly spreading respiratory disease and a lagging government response, the last thing we can afford is another disastrous fire season,” said Ranger Bob, hanging a Smokey Bear warning poster at the entrance of Mt. Rainier National Park. “That’s why we’ve officially bestowed Smokey Bear with lethal authority to maul any and all campers not adhering to our strict park guidelines this summer, ranging from social distancing to unauthorized fires. Studies show that nine out of ten wildfires are preventable incidents started by humans, and so far Smokey has found and mauled six of those individuals. To the remaining three, I hope you’ve made peace with your God, because Smokey is coming for you, and you will burn in a contained, monitored fire in hell.”
Meanwhile, Smokey Bear has appeared in a number of YouTube videos in an attempt to appeal to children and their parents to do their part to follow official National Park Service rules this season.
“Only you can prevent this ass whoopin’ Smokey will lay on each and every one of you if I catch you out here starting fires,” growled Smokey Bear, tearing through a nearby tent looking for firestarter. “So if you find matches or a lighter in the woods, what should you do, kids? That’s right: You better swallow that shit before Smokey finds out. It makes Smokey a very sad bear when he has to eat little boys and girls like you because he catches you playing with matches. That goes for your parents too: You wanna try to smoke that cigarette with no face? Have you ever seen ‘The Revenant’? Try Smokey, I dare you.”
Social distancing violations have also reported a sharp drop off, following an incident in which Smokey Bear distanced the heads of an oversized camping party from their bodies.
