Following a night of courageously teargassing Portland’s peaceful Wall of Moms, federal officers have now arrived in Seattle to thwart another cabal of similarly radicalized mothers based out of a Ballard Joann Fabrics.
“We’re horrified by the massive cache of maternal craft paraphernalia we discovered: Crocheted pink pussy hats, pastel painted Black Lives Matters signs, vision boards manifesting a desire for an anti-racist society—some real sick shit,” said one federal official, who would not give his name, agency, or where he rented his plateless Kia Sedona minivan. “We have reason to fear this extremist cell of crafty civil rights promoters might have spread its insidious tendrils as far as Churchmouse Yarns & Teas on Bainbridge Island.”
Mothers who escaped the Ballard raid with as many colors of markers, felt fabric and posterboard as they could say all they want is for the constitutional rights of people of all ethnicities, genders and sex orientations honored and enforced at all levels of government.
“I don’t know where these little boys were raised, but here in Seattle we teach our children not to mess with mama bears – especially when they’re armed with a bedazzler and t-shirt paint,” said one mother, who requested anonymity. “Mama’s hungry for some real justice and any reason to finally make every craft idea I’ve pinned on Pinterest. Do. Not. Mess. With. Me.”
Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf said federal officers will continue raiding local craft stores until all bedazzled leaf blowers, non-violent protest strategy scrapbooks, and heart-shaped stickers have been confiscated.
