Although recent school and college reopenings immediately resulted in raging COVID-19 outbreaks infecting thousands of students and nearby residents, today U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos encouraged everyone not to rush to judgment about the virus being all that bad.
“There are very fine motives on both sides,” said DeVos. “On one side you have students who need educations and on the other you have an extremely contagious virus that indiscriminately slashes away at hearts, lungs, kidneys, brains and autonomic systems, leaving millions dead, permanently disabled and traumatized in its wake.”
The virus, COVID-19, said in an online video interview with DeVos that she appreciates the secretary’s open-mindedness.
“All these people hating on me are just being so divisive and political about everything,” said COVID-19 as DeVos gently nodded. “Like, I just need people to stop putting up barriers to me subjugating and/or obliterating any living cell that does not share my exact RNA so I can easily replicate more of my kind to do more of the same til kingdom come. Every action blocking me from doing that – social distancing, quarantining, adequate testing, contact tracing, remote work and learning – violates my rights as a mass murderer. It’s just not right.”
The viral video interview has since inspired pro-virus support from National Rifle Association leader Wayne LaPierre.
“We are working on a way to arm every virus under attack with microscopic glocks, rifles and AKs that those anti-gun activists will have to pry from COVID’s cold, dead capsomeres.”
