While many of its police officers have been accused of excessive force and a wanton disregard for the right to peacefully protest, the Seattle Police Department is commending the integrity of one longtime good apple on the force who only enjoys passively watching it all go down right in front of him.
“No, sir, I would never ever partake in any of the savage beatings of unarmed protestors by my colleagues or armed vigilante militia—I merely stand back and ogle at every second of it,” said Officer Mike Flanagan, stroking his nightstick. “To tell you the truth, I’m such a nice guy I can’t even report my colleagues and fellow armed white brethren when their hair-trigger tempers turn into knees on someone’s neck, gassing a neighborhood for days, or murder. It’s really none of my business anyway. I just like to watch.”
One of his colleagues recalled the old days when they weren’t sure if Flanagan was the kind of person who had enough conscience to report all the wrongdoing he was witnessing or worse: calling on department and guild leadership to hold people accountable for their abuses of power.
“At first we were worried when he didn’t want to personally partake in violence – like you some kinda snitch or something?” said Officer Tanner Schneider as he casually clubbed an elderly man in the knee. “But we couldn’t have been more wrong. This guy is never speaking up about anything he watches us do – a real stand-up boy in blue he is. You better appreciate men like these, America – best of the best.”
Needling reporters were later able to confirm that Officer Flanagan kindly held our glasses while watching Officer Schneider beat the shit out of us.
