A glamorous mega-yacht has made a surprise appearance in Elliott Bay overnight, leaving curious Seattle residents and local reporters to speculate what kind of truly fucked up rich guy shit will be going down in the area this week.
“The ‘Ozymandias’ pulled into town late last night, and with an Olympic-sized swimming pool, two helipads, and an en suite dungeon, this enviable floating castle is sure to put a twinkle in the hollow, lustful eyes hidden behind the gold illuminati sex mask of its mysterious billionaire owner,” said local news reporter Glenn Monroe, covering the Ozymandias’ arrival. “Whether you need space for a full-sized conference room to hold the dozens of lawyers required to pave over a rural library and build an ICE detention center, or room to build a miniaturized replica of the Plaza del Toros to hold your toddler rodeos, this impressive floating city has everything a billionaire needs. Back to you, Ken.”
America’s elite have long held mega-yachts in high esteem both as a status symbol, and as an offshore refuge where the laws of man and beast do not apply.
“Do you know how much fucked-up shit you have room for on a football field-sized mega yacht?” said Jamaal Wayne, long-time dock worker. “They’ve only been moored offshore for two days but the otherworldly howling coming from the ship has already traumatized some of the guys. Last night we loaded a trailer with at least a dozen live goats in there, and you know nothing good is going to come of that. And–get this—today we moved some crates that were labeled ‘Cocaine Leaf Blowers.’ Rich people are fucked up, man.”
Needling reporters spoke to several insiders that said the mysterious wealthy magnate that owned the floating fortress was in town to secure a clandestine deal to sell and relocate the Seattle Kraken to Oklahoma City.
