After hearing that the City of Seattle would like police to return to its East Precinct and begin dismantling the Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP), gentrifiers assured everyone the formerly autonomous area will now be commodified forever as the Capitol Hill Economic Zone (CHEZ).
“We’re pleased to announce CHEZ will have all of the amenities of the occupied protest without all the unpleasantness of genuine community organizing,” said spokesman Clive Walton as he led a media tour through their headquarters at CHEZ Luxury Condos. “As you waltz into our modernist foyer, you’ll be greeted with iconic protest tunes like ‘Where is the Love?’ by The Black Eyed Peas at all times. Offensive graffiti throughout the neighborhood is being whitewashed as we speak, but a replica of it all will remain in our lobby as an Instagram photo op station where you can signify your performative allyship once and for all.”
Walton said those living in the area are eligible for an “I Made Black Lives Matter at CHEZ” membership to enjoy extra local amenities.
“The No-Cop Co-Op has been transformed into the membership-only No-Stop Co-opting Co-Op, where Amazon GO’s contactless checkout technology ensures no human interaction or connection has to be endured,” said Walton, walking out with an $18 container of grapes. “Your friends will know you care about the Blacks and the environment with its stylish reusable totes, featuring iconic stock images of a White hand shaking an African-American hand. Within one use, you’ll be resting your head safe knowing no one can ever bother you with accusations of racial bias or of benefitting from systemic racism ever again — just ask Mayor Durkan!”
By this weekend, Walton says CHEZ will open up a new Anarchist Experience amusement park area at Cal Anderson where kids can “riot” each other with unloaded pink umbrellas.
