KIRKLAND – Dozens of middle-aged shoppers who crept out of their suburban windows early this morning were promptly arrested when they tried using fake IDs to slip into Costco’s exclusive Senior Shopping Hour.
“Kirkland Costco, 9 a.m. on a weekday – it’s just the most happening place to be these days,” said Ed Stanwick, 54, one of many arrested this morning. “All of the most vulnerable, old and immune-compromised in the area are there buying up wholesale vats of ketchup, pickles and trail mix just living it the fuck up. I had to try to get in so I had a buddy of mine create a fake ID and it almost worked – almost.”
Unfortunately for Stanwick, longtime Costco security guard Pete Tucker recognized him immediately and tackled him in the food court.
“Ol’ Costco pizza addict Ed – I’d recognize him any day,” Tucker said. “Also caught another lady who blew her cover buying tampons while not stopping to completely block even a single aisle.”
Tucker and several cashiers referred the fake ID delinquents to local police. All were set to be charged with fake ID crimes punishable by an up to $1,000 fine and up to 90 days in jail until detectives confirmed they were all white.
All were released to their parents this afternoon, Stanwick’s father, 83-year-old Larry among them.
“I’m not so much mad as I am disappointed.”
