Following the withdrawal of police forces from Seattle’s East Precinct, many displaced police officers are reportedly struggling to adapt to a remote workplace, finding their attempts to violently assault protesters over Zoom to be fraught with difficulty.
“Our IT guy finally set up a line of laptops behind the police barrier on 11th, but it’s been impossible to intimidate these protestors remotely,” said SPD Officer Benson Davis, video calling from an impromptu office in his kitchen. “No one will tilt my screen to help me see if they’re brandishing a dangerous pink umbrella, and we sent out a calendar invite that clearly asked everyone to pepper spray themselves at 10:00 p.m. last night, but we were in the Zoom waiting room for twenty minutes—then nothing! Just some documentary called 13th. Is it too much to ask for a little professionalism from the protesters here? I discharged a tear gas canister at the delivery guy today which made me feel a little better, but it’s just not the same.”
While East Precinct officers struggle to troubleshoot their new remote policing model, protesters occupying the new Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone have already grown tired of the virtual police presence.
“The Seattle Police Department has had four months in a pandemic to prepare themselves for a remote work situation, and frankly they’re embarrassing themselves,” said longtime protester Bethany Washington. “You want me to comply with your verbal commands? Well, it’s not my fault that you can’t find the unmute button, sweetie. We’re trying to defund the police, get Mayor Jenny Durkan to resign, demand all charges against protestors be dropped, occupy the East Precinct and City Hall, while navigating a pandemic, and now I’m supposed to walk you through a screen share tutorial? Nobody here has time for that.”
Needling reporters were later able to verify that 70 percent of IT requests made by SPD officers were for instructions on how to install a Zoom background that featured The Punisher logo.
