A local Safeway customer assured essential workers and shoppers this afternoon that the only reason she wasn’t wearing a mask is a health condition that prevents her from using both face coverings and her brain.
“Yes, I’m aware that it’s mandated that we wear face masks inside all businesses in Washington state due to the pandemic, but I have a medical exemption due to a mysterious health problem that’s pretty complicated to describe since it also prevents cognition of all common sense,” said Stacey Watts to a cashier refusing to serve her. “You can read all about my condition in the most recent Dr. Quackers article e-mailed to me by my freedom-loving aunt in Florida!”
Reached by phone, Dr. Quackers suspects those who have difficulty wearing masks when in public around lots of people, especially indoors, have the same mysterious illness afflicting President Donald Trump.
“If you look at footage of people with this condition, you can see they also struggle to exhibit any empathy for the wellbeing of others,” said Dr. Quackers. “When people with this condition are even asked to wear face masks, they almost always immediately melt down into a temper tantrum – one most reminiscent of a three-year-old who’s just been told to stop sticking things in the electrical outlet.”
After Watts experienced her own breakdown when she was ultimately refused service, she said she would get them back next time by wearing a useless mesh or crocheted mask.
“See, this is why I’m voting for Trump this fall – he gets it,” Watts said. “I will always treasure his unfailing solidarity for those also suffering from vague health conditions that will never be officially diagnosed because we’re too genius to ever step in a real doctor’s or therapist’s office before it’s too late.”
