The President took a momentary pause from hooting at the podium like a monkey congratulating itself for pissing on its own balls today to briefly acknowledge the gravity of the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic, sending many of the nation’s dipshits scrambling to praise the first fleeting lucid moment he’s had in the last month as “very presidential.”
“I think the corona thing from China, that virus that some people are saying is China’s fault, it’s all very, very bad,” said the President, with the gravitas of a lunatic pissing from a highway overpass. “You know, people ask me about bad situations, I’m maybe the best at bad situations. A lot of people come to me about bad situations, even the big, tall army guys that we bring in for bad situations. I know a bad situation when I see one, and this is a bad one. Many smart people are asking me how I can help them. Maybe I’ll help them, if they’re nice to me. We’ll see who wants to be nice.”
Despite having just witnessed weeks of the President shrieking like a vainglorious seagull demanding credit for the gusting wind, political journalists around the nation just couldn’t resist wondering aloud in their columns if the President had perhaps finally changed his tune.
“I was just really struck by how he said the situation was bad seven times, which is what this situation is — it was in that moment that he stopped being Donald Trump, and he became President Trump,” said one gullible numbnuts possessing the memory span of a goldfish with a head injury. “Sure, he publicly said he took no responsibility for the national mishandling of the pandemic response, and then he spent a while using dangerous racist rhetoric to deflect attention from his blatant pandemic profiteering shamelessly abetted and enabled by the Republican party, and then he withheld access to crucial medical supplies from blue states while flagrantly asking for favors and bribes on national television. But his tone was so different tonight. I think after tonight, things are going to be different.”
Needling reporters were later able to confirm that nothing was going to be different.
