As the nation continues to adjust to the new realities of life during the COVID-19 pandemic, many first-time mask wearers are learning alarming truths about the putrid stench recycling in their newly contained facial habitats.
“Oh Jesus, it smells like someone barfed into a wet diaper in here,” said Phil Crover, recoiling at the smell circulating within his own N-95 mask. “Is this why I keep getting ghosted on Tinder? Kayla told me we didn’t have any chemistry, but I have to imagine it was actually the smell of earwax and bananas spewing from my mouth. Oh God, I can taste it too. When did I eat toenails sautéed in cumin? I am so, so sorry to all of my friends, co-workers and the public transportation patrons of Seattle. I just had no idea my breath smelled like a decommissioned ranch dressing factory in July.”
The news has come as a rude awakening to Seattle’s close-talkers and mouth breathers, having lived blissfully unaware of the acrid scent of gym socks soaked in balsamic vinegar emanating from their own mouths.
“The massive spike in mask-wearing Seattleites have finally allowed us to put together a proper study of the smelly ailment that we’ve identified as ‘Sudden Terrible Aroma in N-95 Condition’, or STANC for short,” said Dr. Ezra Willoughby, lead scientist at the World Olfactory Commission. “You see, STANC sufferers have never experienced their own foul breath in such close quarters, a condition that is exacerbated by the passive attitude of Seattle natives, rendering them too polite to inform the STANC sufferer that their breath smells like wet Band-Aids. The good news is that STANC can be mitigated by practicing basic oral hygiene, or by continuing to wear a mask in all social settings to save your friends and family from the smell of deep fried hair gushing forth when opening their disgusting mouths.”
While Seattle’s hygiene experts have warned of the social dangers of this common acerbic condition, the condition does come with a silver lining: STANC sufferers have proven to be exceptionally successful at social distancing.
