In the spirit of social unity during the coronavirus pandemic, popular panic-inducing medical site WebMD has announced the launch of the new WebMD Party app, allowing users to scare themselves shitless and misdiagnose themselves in the live virtual company of friends and family.
“We know whipping yourself into a pathological frenzy over real and imagined medical conditions is more fun with friends, and that’s why we’ve taken a page out of the Netflix playbook and introduced WebMD Party,” said Parker Quimby, spokesperson for WebMD. “With WebMD Party, you can show your friends that concerning rash, or share the pulsating lump on your ass over our interactive video chat and have fun diagnosing an escalating series of grave medical conditions to minor medical anomalies. Tickle in your throat? Are we sure it’s not a flesh eating bacteria derived from your unchanged decade old Brita filter? You and your friends will find out!”
Hypochondriacs and obsessive-compulsives across the nation have scrambled to download the hit new app, eager to find something worse than the Coronavirus pandemic currently razing the nation to diagnose themselves with.
“Turns out I have a rare 14th century squirrel pox that ravaged the shepherd population in the foothills of the Caucasus Mountains in southeastern Azerbaijan!” said Seth Wickerfield, absently scratching at a psychosomatic rash on his neck. “I just knew that’s what it was, I always had a feeling it’d be an extinct rodent disease that was going to get me. I’ve been telling my wife it was squirrel pox for weeks now, but I never could have imagined that it was this obscure and deadly! I’m just glad I could discover the resurgence of this horrid plague within my own body with my friends. Boy, these last three months before this rare condition takes my life are gonna be a blast!”
WebMD Party is quickly looking to expand its virtual offerings by enlisting the help of America’s favorite quack, Dr. Oz, to violate his Hippocratic oaths and mislead the masses with patently irresponsible and contradictory claims on some of America’s favorite medical conditions including lupus, a disease he warns was invented by hit medical television drama House.
