Today the IRS informed Americans still waiting for their stimulus payments that their delivery had been delayed again while President Donald Trump arranges for each 3-foot-wide posterboard check to be hand-delivered by a Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes Crew.
Despite the fact that U.S. Treasury checks had already been delayed last week when Trump demanded his name be printed on them, the president assured everyone it would be worth the weeks, months and/or eternity of extra wait.
“These checks are going to be the best checks you’ve ever seen,” said Trump at the daily White House media briefing. “They’re giant, they have my name on them so it seems like the money is coming from me and not your own taxpaying pocket, and they’re not going to be delivered by that sissy U.S. Postal Service that keeps on whining ‘Wahh, we’re about to go bankrupt right before the November election, when states rely on us for mail-in voting wahhh.’ Give me a break. Outsourcing expensive government contracts to private companies known for financially exploiting people is always a more brilliant idea. That’s why each of these checks will be delivered by the infamously seniors-swindling Publishers Clearing House.”
Before sharing video of the first stimulus check recipients, U.S. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said they expect to finish delivering checks to Florida by July before they move on to other key swing states.
“Oh my God, oh my God I actually got a stimulus check!” shouted one lucky jobless taxpayer being handed a giant $1,200 check and balloons by new Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes host Sean Spicer. “I’m actually going to be able to pay rent this month, but not really for much else! I can’t believe it!”
Trump acknowledged millions of jobless Americans are still afraid they won’t be able to afford the most basic of needs this next month, but asked people to keep the big guys in mind.
“I know your rent is due, but please think of all the corporate CEOs who need extra cash on hand to buy pharmaceutical stocks right now or are afraid their lavish lifestyles will be impacted in any way,” Trump said. “We need to think of them first.”
Proceeds from the 40% processing fee to deposit each giant check are slated to benefit banks that only made $10 billion off small business loan processing fees last month.
