As Seattle’s fleet of gig economy workers have been transformed into the lifeline of the city virtually overnight, one delivery driver is blissfully unaware that he’s been asked to risk his life to deliver a box of Smucker’s Uncrustables.
“I know it’s not glamorous, but I’m proud of the work that I’m doing,” said Jacoby Monson, carefully placing the expedited package on recepient Dan Williams’ porch. “This could be someone’s insulin, it could be the diapers that a mom desperately needed, it could be some new books for a child that’s been taken out of school right when they’re developing a lifelong interest in learning. It’s not like someone would be so irresponsible as to make me risk my life for some dumb shit like, oh I don’t know, those stupid-ass, pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without the crusts, right?”
A wary Williams cracked open his front door for the first time today to grab the bag off his porch.
“You don’t think he knows this is just a 42-pack of Smucker’s Uncrustables, do you?” said Williams, slathering his hands in Purell after opening his recently delivered package. “I feel bad that he had to risk his life to deliver this to me but like … yuck, crusts, ya know? Now, if you’ll excuse me, Amazon just notified me that my Funko Pops are a mere 8 stops away, and I got a special place for Joe Exotic on the mantle.”
Needling reporters were able to later confirm that Williams did not, in fact, remember to tip.
