Local furloughed employee Adam Wyland confirmed once again upon waking this morning that while most of his life seems especially uncertain during the pandemic, his neighbor’s 11 a.m. door slam followed by a dog bark is still right on schedule.
“I mean, it’s a little cocky that my neighbor announces to the whole apartment building that he’s awake and ready to leave his place for something by 11 a.m. every day – probably fully dressed, that bastard,” Wyland said. “But, honestly, it’s the bedrock of my daily rhythm.”
Productivity experts agree that people who live with or next to a person excruciatingly committed to a daily noisy ritual is the only reason 85 percent of human population ever gets up before noon at all anymore.
“Even before the pandemic, our economy would have hit a standstill without the precious kind of roommates and partners who instinctively hack into sinks, make smoothies for breakfast or generally move around getting anything done in the morning,” said UW Behavioral Scientist Rachel Finnegan. “While some have speculated people with such regular voluntary routines may not even be human—especially those maintaining them during a pandemic—we’re still pretty sure they are.”
Inspired by his neighbor, Wyland says he plans on some day being the kind of apartment resident who everyone hears jumproping in his living room by 8 a.m.
