While strict social distancing orders have put a damper on the nation’s Caligulan fuck parties, many of Seattle’s most ardent orgy enthusiasts have turned to the popular Zoom app to satisfy their lascivious desires – with disappointing results.
“I wouldn’t know what I would do without my weekly orgy, but the wet thumping of dozens of human bodies engaging in an oozing, writhing pool of rapture just doesn’t quite translate through the tinny speakers of my 2011 Macbook Pro,” said Sadie Burnquist, regular orgy participant. “Half the time Ted forgets to turn on his camera, and while the sounds of his carnal, wheezing ecstasy is certainly appreciated, you kinda miss seeing the moist warmth radiating from his hairy body. Our group still always has a great time, it just takes a little bit of the ‘oomph’ out of the spontaneous romp in the ol’ pork pile when your foreplay is ten minutes of troubleshooting.”
While the group has tried to adjust to the new quarantine guidelines without sacrificing the blissful ecstasy that comes with the group sex they’ve come to rely on these uncertain times, the typically fluid, organic nature of the orgies have been hampered by the impersonality of the group’s video calls.
“I feel like we’ve been bound and gagged by this quarantine order, and not in the good way that we all regularly enjoy,” said Bert Hudson, longtime group sex connoisseur. “How am I supposed to maintain an erection when Kenneth is lagging three seconds behind and Meredith keeps stopping to show us her cats? You can’t even play the classic orgy games like “Who’s In My Mouth”. We all support the great work that Governor Inslee is doing to keep us all safe, but we’re just hoping that the social distancing restrictions on groups of ten or more will be lifted by this summer. It’s a real bummer when you get disconnected and then everyone is already wiping down their screens by the time you get back in.”
During Jay Inslee’s latest press conference, the governor took a moment to praise the state’s orgy enthusiasts, pointing out that their flexibility, passion, and firm resolve were a shining example of dignity and commitment to community not shared by the state’s disheveled Karens whining incessantly about their inability to maintain their feather-banged mullet perms.
