Rumors circulating since President Donald Trump called Washington State Governor Jay Inslee “a snake” Friday are true: Jay the Snake will return to the WWE Monday Night Raw ring in a professional wrestling match for the ages against international pandemic and coronavirus, Cold COVID-19.
Before slipping pet python Damien over his shoulders for a promo shoot ahead of Monday’s match in Everett, Inslee said he was reprising his hall-of-fame high school wrestling persona as a last resort.
“Honestly, we were running out of ways to get the president to take coronavirus outbreaks seriously,” said Inslee. “But when Trump called me a ‘snake’ for cordially and collaboratively working with Vice President Mike Pence on containing the virus on Thursday, I suddenly remembered how much more seriously he takes professional wrestling. It was a real aha moment. And now here we are oiling up my guns to take care of business.”
In a commercial promo for the viral smackdown that began airing Saturday night, Inslee stares down the camera with clear intent to destroy the competition.
“Damien and I hate to spoil the party, but damn I’m tired of you sneaking up on the old and immune system-compromised you creepy, little virus,” Inslee said with CGI flames whipping at his back. “The only thing I want creeping on our elderly and vulnerable is universal healthcare and clean air for healthy lungs, so I think it’s high time we squeeze you out of existence, COVID-19. Right, Damien?”
Inslee said his signature fight move against the virus involves requesting fully funded public testing, quarantine subsidies, and vaccine development before drop-kicking a felt coronavirus mascot out of the ring.
At press time, President Trump confirmed his schedule is cleared to attend the smackdown with blank government checks for any public policy position even conceptually fought for in a wrestling ring instead of Congress.
