Like a boogeyman in the sheets, STDs once haunted us with their terrifying prospects of oozing genitalia sores, searing urination, and increased chances of cervical cancer. Oh the nightmares we used to have thinking of bacteria and virus cells sinking their fangs into our nubile nether regions!
Fortunately, now that we’re much five weeks older and deep into a deadly worldwide pandemic, we know better: These STDs ain’t shit.
But some of them apparently didn’t get the memo. These five well-known STDs still think they’re super-scary – and it’s absolutely adorable.
Herpes: Like a classic high school bully, you guys go way back to that first family life class with the slideshow of abundant broken genital blisters. At first you had an almost primal fear of getting it. But now that you know there’s an airborne virus that only has to land on your eyeballs before it mercilessly ravages your lungs, herpes doesn’t scare you anymore. Oh my gosh, herpes, what are you gonna make me do now? Wait a week for a sore to go away? Make me pop a Valtrex? OooooOOOoooo! It’s fun to play along and humor it like a toddler dressed up in a wee Frankenstein costume.
HPV: Ah, human papillomavirus thought it was so sneaky secretly hiding in men until it had a uterus to latch itself onto, forcing infected women to diligently get pap smears and maybe even an excruciating cervical biopsy or two. What child’s play! Can HPV even hide in asymptomatic people and pass itself on to unwitting hosts like your grandma just by breathing in the same room? HPV’s scare tactics are about as cheesy as the Rocky Horror Picture Show now, but we have to admit, still puts on a pretty cute show.
Gonorrhea: Dramatic deliverer of a fire to urinary tracts worldwide, this STD was once so dedicated to being scary that an ‘uncurable’ version of it surfaced. Didn’t last long though – definitely not as long as the novel coronavirus that’s still uncurable to the more than 1 million people it’s infected worldwide. Those swollen testicles aren’t as scary now, but they sure do look silly! You’re funny, gonorrhea.
Marriage: More of a viral cultural institution than biological disease, many couples catch this STD after finding it so convenient to keep on having sex with each other that they legally bind themselves and their assets to each other, voluntarily forfeiting individual freedom forever. Super scary until a worldwide pandemic leads to you being quarantined by yourself for weeks on end, initiating your slow descent into unpredictable madness. Nice try being terrifying, marriage! Those deep scary conversations you keep on inspiring are kind of sweet, though.
HIV: Once the unmanageable gateway to incurable and fatal AIDS, this virus was one of the scariest on earth for decades. Scientists caught up with it thought to put it in its place with medication that can keep those who test positive for it healthy and happy – making it way less scary than a novel coronavirus with no cure, no medicine and no vaccine that is far more contagious. We know you’re trying to still be scary HIV henny, but Jonathan Van Ness destigmatizing you is—yasss–just too adorbs.
