The Center for Disease Control has announced new coronavirus guidelines today, reminding the public of the importance of practicing antibacterial self-care to safeguard against the global viral pandemic.
“All scientific minds at the CDC have been purged, so we have consulted with Instagram influencer Becca Watson to develop new self-care guidelines,” said Bob Gibson, Acting Director of the CDC. “It is her official recommendation that each of you ‘treat yoself’ to a soothing #selfcaresunday, because it is the official position of the United States government that each of you have been deemed ‘worth it.’ We have been instructed by the President to do as little as humanly possible to keep up the appearance of a low infection rate to assuage his vanity, so there is not much that the CDC can do officially except recommend that each and every American say ‘yass’ to an indulgent, ethyl alcohol soak with a Purell-branded bath bomb. Remember that if you or a loved one exhibit the early symptoms of COVID-19, make sure you ‘spill the tea’ to a public health official. If the public adheres to these guidelines, we can all surely ‘slay’ in the face of this global health crisis.”
The new guidelines come as a relief to a panic-stricken public, who have been growing more desperate for photogenic healthcare guidance each passing day.
“The astringent sting in your nostrils lets you know it’s actively killing any traces of the coronavirus, as well as 99.9% of your human microbiome,” said Becca Watson as she dunked herself in a bubbling Purell bath on Instagram Live. “My skin is pretty raw, and it burns a lot, but I feel ready to share my amazing new routine on Instagram. During this Purell soak, I’m adding a Lysol Disinfectant Wipe face mask, which I’ll follow with a gentle home-made exfoliating scrub of 409 Heavy Duty Degreaser. You can just feel all of the stress produced by the Coronavirus panic just melt away, along with all your body hair and an alarming amount of skin. I feel revitalized and ready to seize the day strictly from within the confines of my own home.”
The CDC has since retracted this statement, instead assuring that the global pandemic is a hoax perpetrated by the Democratic National Convention, news some say could have provided great relief for 3,500 people who have already died from COVID-19 worldwide.
