As a thick blanket of rain descends on the greater Seattle area for every foreseeable day in the local weather forecast, The Needling’s intrepid reporters have confirmed that Seattle is, indeed, still under the curse of an evil witch.
The curse began in 1851 when Seattle founder Arthur Denny first landed at Alki Point with his wife, Elvira Hemlock Denny, a woman rumored to be a practitioner of the darkest Salem arts including witchcraft, alchemy, and Zumba.
“Elvira patented a brand of witchcraft called ‘The Seattle Freeze’ that could chill the soul of anyone who greeted her or asked her for directions,” said local Seattle Historian Percy Fibbletots.
When Elvira’s rage at her husband for settling on a cold and wet Alki Beach boiled over, she filled a cauldron with eye of newt, virgin’s blood and smoked salmon. Smoke from the brew created the haze of clouds and seasonal depression that would fall upon Seattle for generations to come.
Asked if the Seattle area’s rainy season was just a naturally occurring, centuries-old phenomenon in the region, Fibbletots reminded reporters that nothing existed here before the Dennys settled the region, so no.
Ongoing status of the curse was further confirmed upon spotting the great great granddaughter of Elvira, Evanora Denny, muttering an incantation as she sprinkled a circle of salt around a photo of Cliff Mass.
