Due to public health officials already successfully lobbying for the cancellation of most social events during the local coronavirus outbreak, millions across the Seattle area announced today they would officially be canceling plans to cancel plans themselves this weekend.
“I know this is right about the time of day I should be texting friends for a raincheck on that happy hour we said we were going to today at the Capitol Hill Conifer Bitters Festival because ‘I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of tired,’” said Seattle resident Megan Flakeston in a statement this afternoon. “But we’ve already texted about our mutual plans to hunker down at home in our new living room fortresses of paper towels and toilet paper for as long as possible, so I’ve gone ahead and made the difficult decision to formally cancel my plans to cancel plans with all of you. It just doesn’t seem necessary at this point. I hope you understand.”
Like so many others in the area, Flakeston says the cancellation of plans to cancel plans has created a giant opening in her schedule and mind that she doesn’t know quite how to fill yet.
“I usually spend all week imagining I’m the type of person who would actually show up to a friend’s open mic, concert gig or potluck, all to fan the flames of my high-adrenaline social anxiety before dousing it with the relieving dopamine hit of a last-minute cancellation text,” Flakeston said. “So much thought, time and agony goes into an effective cancellation: Do I make up another fictional yet credible family character who is suddenly in crisis and needs my help? Should I be more honest instead and say there’s a new Netflix series and block of smoked gouda that aren’t going to binge themselves tonight? Or do I do the always relatable and ever concise ‘I’m tired’ even though I think I’ve used it 10-plus times with every friend of mine? I don’t have to think about any of it today and, honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself – just snuggle into my usually self-imposed gravity blanket quarantine for the entire weekend completely guilt free? It just doesn’t feel right.”
At press time, Flakeston said she was already filling up her summer calendar with events and get-togethers to enjoy the thrill of suddenly cancelling in the future.
