Local climate change activists are picketing the famed Fremont Troll today, saying the gas-guzzling Volkswagen Beetle clutched in its gigantic, gnarled hands sets a poor example for the next generation.
“The children clambering over its grotesque visage every day need a better role model to look up to, step on, and slowly erode,” said Kelly Kettleman, Chapter President of the local Pea Patch Co-op. “We understand that you might get set in your ways after a few decades of terrorizing everyone crossing the Aurora Bridge in one of those tempting, M&M color-coated cars, but it’s high time he gets his hands on some fossil fuel-free electric cars or at least a plant-based fuel hybrid.”
While the Troll is sympathetic to the concerns of the local community, it insists that the proposed solutions aren’t so simple.
“You think I can just go out and lease a Prius in this economy? It’s all I can do to keep this enormous, seismically unstable concrete roof over my head,” the Troll rumbled, triggering nearby car alarms. “And, I hope it goes without saying, but pasture-raced Teslas are out of my price-range too. Besides, I’m kind of attached to this little Volkswagen.”
At press time, locals were trying to interest the Troll in some tossed Lime Bikes to no avail.
