Krampus — legendary half-goat/half-demon eater of misbehaved children before Christmas – confirmed he’d finally seen enough child soldier-endorsing bullshit from Washington State Rep. Matt Shea to completely devour him today.
“I’m all for snacking on naughty children and everything, but turning them into soldiers for some ‘Holy War’ that directs them to ‘kill all males’ who disagree with your strict, Biblical terms is … I mean, wow, it’s a bit much,” said Krampus as his snake-like tongue licked the last bits of the Spokane Valley legislator from his gnarled horns. “Kind of sick if you ask me.”
Krampus also apologized for not eating the Republican white supremacist much, much earlier.
“When Shea was younger, I had just begun trying out restorative conflict resolution practices with naughty children instead of skipping straight ahead to consuming their very souls right out the gate,” Krampus said. “I thought, ‘Hey maybe society will actually help hold this kid accountable enough for his actions that he becomes a better person.’”
Instead, Shea went on to not get much more than a restraining order issued against him from an ex-wife he physically abused, a $75 fine for pulling an unpermitted gun out on someone in a “road rage incident,” re-election after “domestic terrorism” involvement in the armed takeover at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, and a finger-wagging when he authored a “Biblical Basis for War” manifesto that suggests training children to engage in violent “religious combat.”
“Eventually, I was left with no choice but deliver the inevitable fate he seemed to be fighting for so long,” Krampus said. “Becoming a stinking, unwanted pile of shit.”
At press time, the pile of shit had been shoveled off to Washington, D.C. for an appointment in the Trump administration.
