Pike Place Market’s famous fishmongers began a new Seattle tradition this week with the hurling of Impossible Salmon, the latest meat-like lab-made concoction from vegan-friendly company Impossible Foods.
Fish throwers say they’re trying as hard as Impossible Food consumers to believe the heme-injected product looks and feels just like real meat.
“The ritualistic rejoicing over the throwing of a bleeding, meat-like substance still feels subtly wrong in some way, just a different way — but it’s barely noticeable,” said veteran fish-thrower Todd Littleton before throwing the yeasty konjac gum coagulation over the heads of amazed tourists. “It’s pretty much just as slimy and stinky as an actual dead animal too. Amazing.”
Lead fish-thrower Olaf Williams says his team is happy to incorporate a food item most vegans only eat if there’s literally no other plant-based option available.
“The times are changing, and we need to keep up with up an increasingly vegan and ocean-friendly audience,” said Williams. “We’re proud to offer this cruelty-free plant protein made from GMO, government-subsidized, poisonous herbicide-dependent soy beans picked by underpaid undocumented workers.”
Meanwhile, the Market’s local fruit and vegetable sellers say they still haven’t had any luck drawing crowds for celebratory celery-throwing.
“We’ve already decorated them with olive eyes and lentil scales,” said one stand manager Paul Krasky. “We’ll try dunking them in red Kool-Aid next so they seem plausibly murdered enough for commercial appeal.”
