In a rare showing of national unity, the entire country has come together today to agree that your minuscule, strategically insignificant town is fucking toast.
“I don’t know, man: Despite your town lacking a port, significant waterway, nuclear facility, military base or single strategic reason to strike, we’ve all determined that this predominately Republican town in rural America is mostly likely to get totally screwed,” said political analyst Ian Paulson. “It doesn’t make much sense, but near as we can figure, they just fucking hate the sheer amount of freedom your meager population exudes on a daily basis. You guys must have been coal-firing double pipes of hot bald eagle essence into the sky 24/7 to get on their radar.”
While common sense would dictate that the fiery ire of America’s latest combat fling might prefer more significant targets like Washington D.C. or Los Angeles, the myopic town’s collective consciousness insisted that they would be first on any Middle Eastern government’s shit list.
“It’s like I’ve always said, if you were to look up ‘trite, meaningless platitudes about freedom’ in the dictionary you’d see a picture of our humble community,” said Tom Parker, mayor of your pissant little town. “You might think Seattle would also seem a preferable target, but it’s actually us. Better put that on the tourism pamphlet sooner than later. We’re just so flattered that, of all the strategic targets out there, these nebulous foes of freedom would choose to wipe our humble little hamlet off the face of the Earth. I mean, I’m still so existentially terrified I can’t go to sleep without hugging at least three AKs, but mostly flattered.”
The President has since thrown a Twitter tantrum over the fact that he was momentarily not the center of attention.
