Citywide purveyors of Seattle Pizza Week’s $2 slice extravaganza have confirmed that last week’s annual event has officially been extended into Pizza Year for Dave.
“Yeah, I think this is – what is it? About his fourth or fifth Pizza Year,” said a West Seattle Pagliacci Pizza manager right after Dave left with an extra-large deep dish. “Devoted customer that guy … ever since the divorce.”
In that time period, Dave has been to nearly every pizzeria in Seattle about three times a month, all while gathering a hospitable collection of frozen pizzas for one-night stands and whenever his daughter is allowed to visit.
Though he doesn’t call himself a connoisseur, rather an amateur admirer and appreciator of the Italian specialty, he agreed to sit down with us and tell us how he became interested in the pizza scene.
“Well, after I told my wife — um, ex-wife — that I’d been seeing my high school girlfriend for five months, I kind of spiraled downward a bit,” Dave said as he wiped grease from his fingers onto a faded Lego Movie T-shirt. “I didn’t really know how to cook for myself – she had done most of the cooking, pretty much all other house duties and nagging me to get a therapist most nights. Plus, the Super 8 motel in SeaTac that I moved to didn’t have a kitchen. So, I decided to start eating pizza every night.”
“Now pizza is… well, it’s my passion,” continued Dave, as he chomped off half a slice of Hawaiian in one bite. “Pizza has always been there for me: It was there when I started using Facebook to ogle women I regretted not being confident enough to fuck in high school. It was there when I slid into their DMs to see if any were insecure and unstable enough to message back a balding married father of a toddler. And it most certainly was there for me when the implosion of both my marriage and affair fatefully led me into the only other true love I’ve ever known: BBW DDLG ass-eating porn.”
A single non-Tabasco-inspired tear then dropped down to his 5 o’clock shadow.
“And I know without a doubt tomorrow, when I get my day started with two or three Four Locos so I can barge onto an elementary school campus to play kick ball with fourth graders and see what a whole new set of restraining orders looks like, the warm internal embrace of pizza will surely be there for me again and again,” Dave said, openly weeping. “Now that’s amore.”
