A full decade after the Capitol Hill 15th Avenue Coffee & Tea Raid of 2009, the Stealth Starbucks concept has struck again – this time in Everett where raging customers just discovered the truth about their newest bikini barista hotspot, Star Sirens.
“I knew something was fishy the first time I rolled up to their window for a flat white,” said Everett mortgage banker Stanley Wheeler steaming outside the now vandalized shop. “I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but everyone smelled like they had halfway-decent healthcare or something.”
Lowe’s forklift extraordinaire Rick Buttons said that although he loved the mermaid concept of the area’s new bikini barista stand, he noticed something off too.
“When I tipped a little extra to see what was behind those clamshell braziers, I noticed all the chicks there had noticeably lopsided, genuinely gravitated mammaries for some reason,” Buttons said. “Still hot, don’t get me wrong – MILFs are where it’s at. But still not the stiff, disproportional boob jobs I’m used to looking at a bikini barista stand, you know?”
Longtime bikini barista advocate and connoisseur, Jeffrey Prosser, said Starbucks needs to mind its original business and stop “local-washing” its new shops just to fit in.
“We here in Everett pride ourselves on patronizing only locally-owned, independent bikini barista coffee shops,” Prosser said. “You can’t just swish one of your lustrous mermaid tails over one of these drive-thru stands and think we’re not on to what you’re really up to.”
Regarding the bikini barista brouhaha and a rumored Howard Schultz sighting nearby, Starbucks had no comment.
