Nostalgic Northgate Mall shoppers have been dropping by in droves this week to confirm with their own eyes that its core is now officially as big and empty as the gaping void inside their own souls.
“Wow, sure is – I can’t believe it,” said Tina McDonald, shaking her head and sobbing at the sight of suddenly empty storefront rows soon to be replaced by an NHL practice ice rink. “Nothing quite temporarily filled the hole my mother was supposed to overflow with unconditional love like one of Auntie Anne’s soft, buttery pretzels and signature cheese dip. Auntie Anne’s! Auntie Anne’s, please come back! I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”
A look of shock came upon Greg Sampson’s face as he saw vacant Journeys and Victoria’s Secret stores.
“Those days when you could buy some Journeys Dr. Martens and Hot Topic clothes for a sharp counter-culture outfit pieced together in a monument to American capitalism are over I guess,” Sampson said. “Ah, and when wifey could still fit into unbreathable Victoria’s Secret underwear … at least Lane Bryant is still open. I hear they have bras in black, white and taupe!”
As Patty Rufkin stared into the abyss of empty businesses she once regularly attended for retail therapy, she started contemplating real therapy for the first time.
“Maybe a bag of Claire’s earrings in every color or even real jewels, hot as Alana was at modeling them, are not the answer,” Rufkin said. “Maybe it’s time to stop masking my inner resentment for my shitty job, passionless relationships and bottled-up creative energy to instead pursue what I really want in life.”
By press time, Rufkin had surrendered to sipping on a large coke, mindlessly slamming a round of Ritz crackers, and adding a tenth item to an online shopping cart.
“You can take the girl out of the mall, but you can’t take the mall out of the girl.”
