By Don Cudd, Seattle Culture Columnist
We all know Seattle is the home of political correctness and celebrated diversity efforts that are the ultimate panacea for white guilt, but it’s high time we just say what’s been on all our minds: Californians need to go back where they came from.
Except Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder, of course—one of the good ones. Man, he’s awesome.
We proud native Seattleites are descendants of those who staked down American homes here the old-fashioned way: Violently booting Native tribes off into oblivion, stealing homes and farmland from Japanese immigrants, and red-lining away people of color who somehow still had enough money to buy a home even after getting screwed on the GI Bill. But then these Californians want to move here just because they saw some pretty pictures of mountains, greenery, rain and relatively affordable housing? Disgusting. Get off our land, dudes.
Did you know Vedder wrote the lyrics to the first Pearl Jam hits while he was surfing in San Diego? That guy is so talented.
The fruit of these hard-won investments was passed onto children so that they could also afford a home in our fair city’s carefully hewn single-family neighborhoods. Now we’ve got all these Californians coming here rooting for more living density, affordable housing, earthquake retrofitting and apartment developments so that “Seattle doesn’t become the next San Francisco.” How dare they even compare us to another crumbling earthquake-prone West Coast city that is also experiencing sky-rocketing rent as droves of tech talent moves in from across the world?! Go back home, Cassandra.
Once again, Eddie, definitely not talking about you. Hope you’re not offended. That Safeco concert where your band raised millions of dollars for our local homeless population? That was so nice. Why go home, indeed – just stay here forever!
Look I’m not saying Californians shouldn’t be allowed to move here at all. I’m just saying they should do it the right way by completely leaving behind whatever culture they grew up in and begging us to tell them how to be a “real Seattleite” (even though they never will be. Isn’t it so cute when they try?). You need to Men-in-Black-pen those annoying fucking memories of authentic Mexican food, state income tax and living in urban neighborhoods that aren’t 99 percent white. We don’t need that kind in these parts.
Except for the Eddie Vedder kind. Man, we love you so much, dude.
