In a joint effort between the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution, The Ocean Cleanup, and Major League Baseball, researchers have discovered that nearly a quarter of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is comprised of this year’s Mariner relief pitchers.
Seattle Mariner bullpen coach Jim Brower, pitching coach Paul Davis, and Mariner skipper Scott Servais recently surveyed the patch via helicopter. The patch covers 1.6 million square kilometers.
“Oh, there’s where Dan Altavilla is,” Servais said, pointing at the struggling pitcher. The Mariner coaches made no efforts to retrieve him. “Altavilla, and Dylan Moore. And Nick Rombelow. ANd Roben Alaniz. And Shawn Armstrong.”
Paul Davis said, “And Parker Markel. And Ryan Garton. And Hunter Strickland. And Gerson Bautista.”
Bullpen coach Jim Brower said, “And Mike Wright. And Erik Swanson. And Jesse Biddle. And Andrew Moore. And Taylor Scott.”
The three coaches, in unison, continued to speak, nearly losing their voices due to the lengthy list of names uttered. “And Tom Murphy. And Justus Sheffield. And Anthony Swarzak.”
All the pitchers look to still be alive in the garbage patch, but are struggling nearly as much as they’ve been on the mound of this year’s Mariner games. Dan Altavilla has had his left leg bitten off by a shark. Dylan Moore is hypothermic and comatose. Gerson Bautista was eaten by a whale.
There is an estimated 80,000 metric tons of garbage in the patch, which also includes Matt Festa, Charsen Bradford, and Cory Gearrin.
Woods Hole scientist Reginald Ortiz said that if left unchecked there will be more weight in Mariners pitchers than fish by the year 2050.
Servais, at a press conference at the Monterey Bay Aquarium was asked if the Mariners would be in the World Series by the year 2050. He died of laughter. Services pending.
Meanwhile, at T-Mobile Park, fans are abstaining from the wave out of respect for the ocean garbage patch-fallen.
