Frazzled, bullet-grazed and red lipstick-kissed, crime researchers arrived at a press conference Tuesday evening in window-smashed cars to confirm that Magnolia is the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, according to Magnolia.
“Gun wars and whores in the streets everywhere I’m telling ya,” said lead data scientist for Safe Seattle, Greg Smith. “We’re tired of our neighborhood being neglected and marginalized while our people fight for their very lives — someone’s got to do something!”
Despite Seattle Police Department statistics stating the exact opposite is happening in the neighborhood, data collected by active NextDoor users back up Safe Seattle’s groundbreaking revelation.
One Magnolia-based NextDoor user, Karen Hayes, says she’s had to buy a gun because her custom-built fence and camera-based security system is hardly enough to feel safe anymore.
“Today I didn’t even have to use my AK,” said Hayes. “I gotta say, watch yo back: I’m feelin’ cray cray.”
Seattle police spokesman Lt. Mitchell Ward said the department is taking the situation researchers are perceiving seriously.
“Neighborhood residents’ feelings and truthiness is increasingly becoming more important than raw data when it comes to reducing complaints and, sometimes, crime,” said Ward. “It’s always good to remind ourselves that not every wealthy white residential neighborhood can afford an off-duty police force.”
