After witnessing yet another romantic Pike Place Market wedding proposal between two Seattle sweethearts, Jesus Christ is reporting he’s wondering why they had to do it on his birthday.
“I just kind of thought today was my day,” said Jesus, while scrolling through an endless stream of Instagram posts under the #ChristmasProposal hashtag. “Out of 365 days in a year, you pick my birthday. Alright. Hey, whatever: You do you.”
When informed that the couple meant no personal offense, Jesus said he understood.
“Oh no, I get it — it’s all about you now,” said Jesus as he strained to maintain calm. “Why go to church and worship the love of a legendary Lord and Savior to millions when you could force people to admire a love likely fueled by codependent savior complexes instead? Sure, I get it.”
By press time Jesus was already developing a statement regarding newborns who just had to make their big splash on “his special day.”
“I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, though,” said Jesus. “It’s fine.”
