Seattle police say they’ve officially classified Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s death as a murder, and the killer is safely behind bars thanks to one tenacious Great Dane and four scrappy teen sleuths.
“These kids pulled up outside of headquarters in a van one day, shuffled in and demanded to see our Cobain case file,” said SPD Investigations Bureau Chief Dominic Wahlberg. “We’ve known this was probably a murder case for a long time, and we’ve been under a lot of pressure ever since documentaries started coming out on the case, so pawning the hard investigative work off on these kids was a no-brainer.”
The four teens—a jock, a prom queen, a hot librarian with glasses, the stoned one—and their dog used their high-tech van lab to analyze crime scene photos from the Cobain case, initially ruled as a suicide. A series of clues ultimately put them on the trail of their culprit, holed up in a supposedly haunted amusement park near Cobain’s hometown of Aberdeen, Wash.
“We thought we had the culprit cornered,” said Velma, the unassuming turtlenecked goddess in the group, with her subtly dry wit, commanding intelligence, and a gleam in her eye that screams she reads Venus in Furs at least once a year. “But after chasing who we thought was Mel Gibson on haunted go-karts through a haunted amusement park, we caught up to him and found out the two-time Oscar Winner was really just Courtney Love wearing a rubber Mel Gibson mask!”
Indeed, the crafty teens have conclusively fingered Cobain’s widow, and longtime suspect, Courtney Love, as his killer.
“Despite her outward appearance as a drug-addled specter drifting through the world of the living, we discovered Courtney’s actually a Keyser Soze-like mastermind,” said Fred, one of the scrappy teen investigators. “Yep, she’s capable of pulling off the murder of a high-profile celebrity and several subsequent murders of co-conspirators and witnesses, all while giving the outward appearance of a disheveled castaway, clinging to the sinking hull of her life.”
“Ruh-roh! Rourtney’s in trouble now!,” added Fred’s talking dog, who declined to give his name, but asked for a snack.
