In a desperate bid to treat his Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) without actually leaving the house, Beacon Hill resident Seth Jones has begun treating the crushing despondency that comes with Seattle’s rainy season gloom by bathing in the light of his refrigerator.
Jones said he first discovered the surprise antidote to his SAD moods after a breakup.
“I had been waking up in the middle of the night to eat my feelings on a regular basis and eventually found that my scowl lines were dissipating,” said Jones. “I could only attribute the turnaround to the hours spent shoveling handfuls of party pepperoni into my face under the light of my beloved refrigerator.”
Jones’ ex-girlfriend, Lydia Wells-Cottom, issued a statement through a spokesman, saying she hopes Jones “gets all the help he needs,” but cautioned that he “really should stop letting all the cold air out of the fridge. There’s yogurt in there.”
At press time, Jones said his spirits were high and that he looked forward to an early spring, new relationships, and a whole new, more generously sized wardrobe.
