Determined to bounce back after low ticket sales last year, Seattle Symphony conductor Ludovic Morlot is saying “Fuck it” and focusing entirely on Pearl Jam song covers for the next season.
With this change comes a serious shift in the symphony’s repertoire. The 96-piece orchestra now plays just three instruments.
“Rock music really isn’t my forté,” said former flautist Jennifer Simmons. “But if it means keeping my job, I’ll do what it takes, even if I have to wear flannel and not wash my hair.”
In a matter of days, Simmons says she learned the basics of electric guitar as well as the solo from Yellow Ledbetter.
Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder has met with the symphony chorale to ensure singers can replicate his gravelly, indistinct singing voice. He reportedly also tussled their hair into waves while muttering “yasss, queen.”
The symphony hopes this move will increase ticket sales while remaining true to the spirit of Seattle.
“And honestly, it can’t be any worse than that fucking Final Fantasy concert,” added Morlot.
The symphony has cancelled any shows highlighting the work of Brahms, Dvorak, and any other classical composer with a modicum of respect. Instead, all shows will feature renditions of songs still in heavy rotation on every gen-x uncle’s aging iPod.
“At this point, this is seriously the only thing we could think of that could keep our heads above water,” said Morlot. “When it comes to cash, we need even flow.”
