In a bold move, Madison Park’s Cafe Ohm has thrown its hat into the fierce dairy substitute menu game with its newest alternative, wood milk.
“We were looking for something our Chaturangas could really Dandasana to, you know?” said cafe owner Logan Stephans. “This organic, resin-infused, plant-based milk — sustainably harvested and locally wood-crafted by Vashon Island artisans — more than fit the $12-per-cup bill.”
While the cafe’s ravenous vegan patrons have long lusted for new plants, nuts and inanimate objects to milk, some regulars remain skeptical of the new foray into woodland milking.
“I was with them through pea milk, corn milk, whatever Mirk was,” said Tori Barker, longtime Cafe Ohm customer, “But oak milk? Pine milk? I’ll admit, though, Starbucks isn’t offering the kind of chuckles I get from specials like Birch Better Have My Latte.”
Stephans says Cafe Ohm will even expand its wood milk line soon with the introduction of a new varietal: Hemlock.
“If it’s good enough for Socrates, the best philosopher the world has ever known, it’s good enough for our sea of wifi-freeloading bloggers,” Stephans said with a wink and a whisper. “Okay, technically it’s poison, but the way these freelancers nurse one drink all day, I think we’ll all be just fine.”
