A three-year investigation into why Pagliacci Pizza delivery boys could never find Doug Frankel’s Bothell-based address has concluded that he does not, in fact, live in Bothell — he lives in Kenmore.

“I live so close to all the sweet Bothell action, though: Pop Keeney Stadium, the Park at Bothell Landing, McMenamins Anderson School,” said a wide-eyed Frankel, 43, after the investigation’s findings were released today. “How could this be?!”

Frankel admitted to experiencing the beginnings of what he expects is a slight identity crisis.

“It’s just not going to feel right setting up my chairs on Main Street several days before the annual Bothell Freedom Festival Parade anymore,” Frankel said. “I don’t know. I guess it is about that time to start hanging out at Kenmore Lanes more often anyway.”

At press time, Frankel was attempting to check out a book about his newly realized city until a King County librarian informed him he actually lives in Snohomish County. 

Previous articleIsrael Accidentally Convinces PETA to Support Ceasefire After Repeatedly Calling Palestinians Animals
Next articleDry January Fully Supported by Boyfriend Who Won’t Go Down On You