OKCupid (OKC) announced this afternoon that its Seattle subscribers will now be matched exclusively with their exes.
“We realized one of the main motivations of our customer base was to make a profile just to find their ex’s profile after a bad breakup,” said OKCupid CEO Praveesh Singh. “With our new Ex-Matching System, customers are now alerted as soon as their ex makes an OKC profile, making it possible to read it and dry-heave faster than ever.”
Users are taking to it like a booty call on a cold, lonely Saturday night.
“I love the new design,” said local single Ben Lawson. “Seeing how desperate and languishing my exes’ profiles are has sent my self esteem through the roof!”
In addition to allowing customers to e-stalk their exes ad nauseum, the groundbreaking ex-matching system allows users to leave reviews and ratings on a broken-heart scale of one to five.
“His profile says he’s an adventurous eater,” said the review of recently dumped Laura Gregory. “But on our trip to Thailand, he just ordered chicken Pad Thai everywhere. Plus that profile photo is ten years and 20 pounds ago. Two stars, would not date again (unless he wanted to.)”
The system has led to a groundswell of discoveries distracting users from doing anything but getting over their last breakup.
“Wait, this says she’s open to a polyamorous relationship?” recently single Mark Nielsen remarked, “Since when? She broke up with me because she was convinced I had a crush on our dog walker! And I mean, I did, but we could have made it a threesome!”
Users are also alerted as soon as their ex’s newer relationship has ended in case users want to add more attractive profile pics that amplify their ex’s pain and remorse. Digital retouching to add shirtless companions into photos is available for an additional fee.
If exes desire to reconnect, the system gives a percentage score indicating the likelihood of their relationship working out. While OKC data analysts said the median score was about 43 percent, the rates of reunion were about 88 percent.
“You just can’t kill the resilience of the human spirit,” Singh said. “But with enough breakups, we’re hoping the data will show otherwise!”
