Just weeks after spearheading a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the additional hour of sunshine.
“These allegations are patently false—I’m just as Vitamin D-deficient as the rest of my pale constituents in the great, gloomy state of Washington,” said a bronzed Murray, glistening like a Greek goddess perched atop a chariot of light. “Sure, I may have dipped into the state’s emergency sunlight reserves on a couple occasions, but only because I needed the extra daylight to work on this Sunshine Protection Act bill, and also because it really makes the Geraniums in my garden pop.”
Investigators were tipped off after the long-serving senator was unusually happy and well-rested for the past couple of months, an anomaly that caught the attention of her colleagues serving in the godforsaken blighted hellhole that is the United States Senate.
“Initially we were tipped off by her upbeat demeanor, but as we investigated further it was the luminous column of light hovering above only Senator Murray’s house after 6pm that caught our attention,” said Federal Investigator Chester Felderman. “Unlike insider trading, bribery, obstruction of justice, sexual misconduct, and the occasional coup attempt, the United States government takes this kind of allegation extremely seriously. Therefore, we recommend that the Senate passes the Icarus Act so that the sun may never be used as a resource, renewable or otherwise, ever again.”
While many supported an appropriate sentence for the ultraviolet infraction, the public at large urged leniency for Sen. Murray after she was sentenced to an unusually harsh punishment of five years of 4 p.m. Washington sunsets.
